Through My Eyes
by Feenix Child
Summary: We've heard of the past from Sirius and Remus, all about James... but what about Lily? Now it's time for her to tell her story...
1. The Beginning

**A/N:** I decided the other Lily story was slightly dodgey... why? Because if you can't relate to your characters, they have no life. If you put a bit of you into your story, it's easier to write. So this is my second crack at it, and I have to admit, it already looks better than the other one.

**Disclaimer:** Do I look like I'm thirty something and have popped out a baby or two? No? Then I'm not JK Rowling, I didn't create Harry Potter and I'm doing this just for the fun of it... lemme alone.

**First published: **Tuesday, 21st September, 2004

* * *

If you had met me when I was younger, you would probably have received quite a shock. Huge green eyes, the kind that are bright and cheerful but analytical at the same time. An enigma wrapped in a child. Creepy, really. Eyes that don't belong in an eleven year old. I have always been, no bragging intended, fairly bright, for my age. And by fairly bright, I mean I'd correct my father's spelling mistakes on his reports when I was eight. So, I suppose it's fair to say I was a baby genius. I was super intelligent back then, but I guess I remained at the same intelligence, letting the others catch up. But it caused a rift between my older sister and I. 

When Petunia and I were younger we'd do everything together. Our parents treated us just the same, fair in every sense of the word, but my extraordinarily fast learning ability created the first strain. She was jealous. So it was no surprise when I received my first letter from Hogwarts, telling me that I had been accepted in a school I'd never heard of, in a world that had only ever existed in my day dreams and fantasies, that Petunia snapped.

'Freak!' she shrieked, eyes wide, arm extended and pointing fervently at me. 'You creepy freak, now I know why you're like this!'

Maybe it was jealousy. Maybe it was her fear of being the odd one out in society, maybe it was the fact that I had somehow, unintentionally, gotten the better deal again, but we were no longer friends. According to her, we were no longer related.

I suppose I should explain. My name is Lily Evans. I am eighteen years old, in Auror training in the magical world, after seven... unusual years of learning magic and meeting some wonderful people. I'm not a harsh person, more quiet, shy, the little girl with the cloud of red hair and the deep green eyes that never wanted any undue attention, but when someone gets to me... I can't quite let it go.

So, on the day that the letter appeared, buried in out usual mail, telling me I had been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I laughed aloud.

'Good one, Petunia, nice joke.'

Petunia, sitting opposite me, fork perched delicately between her long, bony fingers, looked up and swallowed.

'Excuse me?'

I waved the letter and giggled. 'Magic? I might be young, but I'm not stupid. Nice prank, though.'

Dad leaned forwards, frowning slightly, elbows resting on the table as he munched his bacon thoughtfully. 'Show me the letter, honey?'

I held in out, my tiny hand, half the size of his, trembling slightly. I was laughing it off, sure. But what about all the funny stuff that happened? When I came home with bubblegum in my hair and Mum had had to hack off half of my fiery curls, I had cried that night. When I woke the next morning, low and behold, my hair was it's normal length! So I watched Dad's face carefully and, when his eyes widened, I blinked and my smile faltered.

'Lil... I think this is no joke...'

I snorted. My father? Down to earth, reliable daddy telling me magic actually existed? 'Sure, Dad, sure.'

At that moment my mother waltzed in, clad in her dressing gown with her dark hair curling down her back. 'Good mor- What's wrong?'

Three seconds, three steps and she had, at one glance, seen that my father had suffered a slight shock. He silently handed her the letter and, after a few moments, my mother smiled and looked up at me.

'Congratulations, sweetie.'

'Whoa, whoa, wait, hold up there! Can we just stop for a moment? Magic doesn't exist! You know that as well as I do...'

'We never said it didn't, Lily,' my father said, calmly.

'Kevin, we should explain-.' But Mum was cut off by Petunia, dropping her fork and pointing erratically at me, leaping to her feet.

'Freak!' she screeched. 'You creepy freak, now I know why you're like this! All that weird stuff you did at school, when Hannah was smacked by the door in her face when she was teasing you, when Peter ended up in a tree, that was you! I knew it, you frea-.'

'Petunia, please!'

I felt sick. I knew my face was white, I knew my eyes were wide but this wasn't a joke? No prank? I was... a witch?!

It wasn't long before I found myself, after rushing around in a daze for a month or so, at Kings Cross, with my trunk, wand, robes and my own kitten, Niamh, named after the bright golden colour of her hair. Niamh, mewed softly, clamped protectively under my arm as I wished my parents farewell.

'Now, Lily, run towards the wall over there,' Mum pointed to the barrier between platforms nine and ten. She had informed me, during that life changing day when I received my letter, that her best friend had been accepted to Hogwarts when she was younger. 'Just trust me,' she added, smiling at the horrified expression on my face.

I turned and stared at the wall. Behind me my father was shaking his head slightly, my mother smiling proudly and Petunia, standing a few feet behind them, scowling furiously. I tucked Niamh firmer under my arm, took a deep breath and ran at the wall, pushing my trolley ahead of me.


	2. The Hogwarts Express

My eyes flew open. I could feel myself trembling as I turned around.

'Ok...,' I muttered to myself. 'I just ran through a wall...'

'You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity.'

I whirled around, my eyes locking with the dusky blue eyes of a girl about my age, her hair long, dead straight and a shimmering blonde. She grinned lopsidedly, dimples flashing in her cheeks as she held out her hand. 'Sam Merrywand, pleased to meet you.'

I shook her hand, still in a daze until I gave my head a teeny shake. 'Lily. Lily Evans, likewise.'

'Muggle born?'

'Excuse me?'

'I'll take that as a yes. Come on.' She led the way, weaving between a mass of people until, looming from behind the crowd, I finally saw the Hogwarts Express and stopped in my tracks. It was like something from a fairy tale. Typical London weather and the grey of the platform created a huge contrast to the bright red paint glinting in the dim cloud-filtered sunlight. I couldn't help but smile, the red just cheered everyone up, just by symbolism, if anything. This, I decided suddenly, was going to be good.

'Lily, over here!' I turned and pushed my trolley towards Sam. Together we hauled our trunks up onto the train. She grabbed my hand, instant best friends, and we headed together down the corridor of the train. As we walked I looked around, catching snatches of weird conversations.

'... the best keeper ever, I can't wait until we start Qudditch...'

'... werewolves, honestly, that's the only thing I'm scared of...'

'... how long until we get food?'

I caught a glimpse of the boy who was asking this question. His hair was longish, falling elegantly into his eyes and his blue eyes warm; he was incredibly good looking. I heard a mumbled and suggestive 'ooh, hello!' from Sam and frowned. Like I said, I was highly intelligent. I was also a good judge of character. Prankster, it was clear. This boy was trouble.

'What about here?' Sam asked. Before I could open my mouth to protest, she'd hauled me into the compartment and, me being so little, I tumbled lightly onto the floor with a muffled 'oof!'

'Oh., hello, what have we here?'

Using one hand, I pushed my hair out of my eyes and looked up. Four boys were sitting on the seats around me and Sam was standing in front of me, giggling. One boy, sitting opposite the handsome hungry one, reached out and held out a hand to help me to my feet. Even standing, I was only a little taller than him. He grinned and hitched his glasses higher on his nose. 'James Potter.'

I blinked. He had an arrogant way about him. I shrugged off my first impression and smiled slightly.

'Lily Evans.'

'Have a nice trip, Evans?'

I glanced at the long haired boy, lounging back with a smirk on his face.

'Yeah, actually, although the scenery wasn't too pleasing.'

He just laughed. 'Sirius Black. First years, too?'

Sam raised an eyebrow and planted herself on the seat beside him as Niamh brushed herself against my leg before loping around the compartment, eager to explore. I watched as she reached the compartment door. Suddenly she halted and tore back towards me, leaping into my arms. I looked up and saw a small, greasy looking boy standing in the doorway.

'Potter...' he sneered.

I was too preoccupied with Niamh trembling in my arms I didn't hear what they were saying until Potter and Black projected themselves across the compartment and threw themselves at the boy, fists flying. Sam was yelling and, dropping Niamh, I ran over. Big mistake.

Reaching down to grasp Potter's arm I didn't see his elbow fly back until it was too late. The bone of his elbow connected with my cheekbone and I tumbled to the floor for the second time. In my opinion I'd spent way too much time being thrown around that day. My head was ringing and, believe me, you do see stars.

'Lily!'

I struggled to my feet, blinking hard, swaying slightly. One of the other boys had a firm grip on my arm and I pulled myself roughly away.

'Evans, wait!'

The greasy boy had already gone, slipped away when Potter and Black had realized I had almost been knocked out. But I didn't wait. I scooped up Niamh and, with Sam right behind me, hurried out of the compartment.


	3. Encounters

**A/N:** Ok, this is the last chapter I'm putting up until Bella Catherina posts for her story. Chapter four not appearing until her next chapter does. Got a beef, take it up with her... mwahahaha, sorry Cat, motivation in the form of abuse, gotta love it!

* * *

That was my first encounter with James Potter. But it certainly wasn't going to be my last. Sam and I found our own compartment and we sat and seethed over those boys for the rest of the trip.

'Firs' years! Firs' years, o'er here, please!' I staggered out into the clear Scottish air and took a deep breath. It was dark and cool, but nice... pleasant on the face after such a long train ride. Mind you, my face needed quite some pleasantness, with the dark purple bruise that was now spreading across my cheekbone.

I stared up at the man who was calling us. He was huge! I have never seen someone so tall! Perhaps he was a-?

'He can't be a giant,' Sam whispered over my shoulder. 'He's too short.'

Too short?! What, was she blind? He was massive! But, instantly, I had a gut feeling that, while he looked scary, this hairy, massive, booming voice of a man was one of those gentle giants. I liked him right away.

He introduced himself. Rubeus Hagrid, call him Hagrid, that's what everyone calls him. Keeper of keys and grounds... this was too much. I shook my head and blinked hard, trying to take it all in, and felt someone lean down close to my ear.

'Muddled, Evans?'

'Actually, Potter,' I hissed back. 'I was trying to concentrate through the massive headache you've given me, now bugger off, you're irritating me.'

I walked off, not caring when Sam giggled and whispered 'He looks like you just punched him in the face.'

'Glad to repay the favour...' I muttered.

Hagrid led us down to a small fleet of boats and we all of us, scrambled into one. Somehow the boats pulled us through the water. I looked around. There was no reasonable explanation as to why these boats were moving by themselves. Perhaps wires under the water. I sighed. Magic, remember? Hello, is this thing working? I mentally tapped my brain and smirked to myself as I pictured my brain with a little 'Out Of Order Due To Physical Strain' sign hanging off it.

The castle... how can I explain in? All jokes, all thoughts were wiped from my mind when I saw it. It was very gothic, a pure ancient castle. It was massive. I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomache... how am I going to find my way around that? I knew very well I was going to get lost, I could feel it.

The sorting ceremony was... oh, I give up, am I going to call everything weird? Well, I was my impression at the time, so yes, I am. The sorting ceremony was weird. What else can you call being sat on a stool, have an old hat plonked on your head and told which house you 'belong' in? Weird.

'GRYFFINDOR!'

I smiled and, handing the hat back to Professor McGonagall, a stern looking witch, about forty or so years old, walked calmly over to the Gryffindor table. And waited with bated breath.

'Merrywand, Samantha!'

Under the table I crossed my fingers, biting my bottom lip. Across from me Sirius Black grinned, watching me. I ignored him.

'GRYFFINDOR!'

I sighed with relief as Sam came skipping over and deposited herself beside me on the bench. She grinned at me and I couldn't help but smile back... until Potter joined us at the table.

'Attention students!'

I looked up and grabbed a fistful of my hair, twisting it into a rope and pulling it over my shoulder. Potter was watching me. I sent him a 'wanna take a picture?!' look and turned my eyes up to the headmaster. He was elderly, his beard and hair long and silvery with streaks of auburn in it. His blue eyes twinkled behind his half moon glasses as he surveyed us all, but his glance lingered on me and he smiled slightly. I had the distinct impression he knew exactly what I was thinking. 'This is so weird...'

'First years, please note that the forest is strictly out of bounds...' His voice trailed away as my thoughts wandered. My eyes traveled over the others and locked with James Potter's brown eyes across the table. He winked. I just blinked blankly at him. It was going to be a very long night...


	4. The First Bite Back

**A/N:** I'm loving this story, I have to admit. I'm putting a bit of me into Lily, so it's so much easier to write, using my own thoughts and experiences (including the elbow to the cheekbone, ouch!).

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**Bella Catherina:** Yay, Cat! Thanks honey, I thought you might like this one!

**maaike-fluffy:** Wow... I'm sorry, I stared at the screen in shock, I've never received compliments like that before. Thank you so much, I'm still blushing now, just thinking about it.

**Scandalous-girl:** I recognise your name... either you've reviewed for me before or I've read one of your stories... I don't know. Thank you for the review, it was really sweet!

* * *

'Wake up!'

I gripped the bed sheets and yanked them over my head, groaning. 'What time is it?' My own voice sounded so husky and exhausted. I heard a giggle from above me.

'Lily!'

Suddenly, my bed rocked like a life raft in the middle of a cyclone as three girls pounced on my bed. Sam, Hannah and Aoife laughed as they bounced up and down on my bed, all still dressed in pyjamas.

'It's six thirty, sleepy!'

I groaned again and buried further under the blankets. The four of us hadn't gone to sleep until about two in the morning; that meant a grand total of four and a half hours sleep. I felt the sheets ripped from my face and Aoife's honest baby face appeared.

'Peek-a-boo.'

I laughed and pushed her off me. 'Ok, ok, I'm up, sheesh!'

I staggered off the bed, stumbling a few steps before regaining my balance, ripping my hair from my face. I groaned, yet again, at my face in the mirror. A purple bruise graced the pale skin on my cheekbone and I had...

'Oh, god...'

Sam laughed at the look on my face. 'They're just bags, they'll be gone tomorrow.'

I rolled my eyes. I knew that, what was worrying me was what certain people would say. Hannah skipped over to me and nudged my shoulder.

'That Potter boy likes you.'

'Like I care.'

Hannah just giggled and flashed a look over her shoulder. I couldn't help but smile.

* * *

I guess I should take some time out to explain my new found friends. Or, were new found friends, back then. Anyway, Sam looked like the sweet, innocent, angelic one. Wrong. She was more like the tomboy, always in and out of trouble, as I was soon to find out. Hannah was tall and thin, but perfectly proportioned, for her height. She had short black hair and black eyes, that kind of olive skin. Greek, she was. If anything, she looked like a Greek goddess. Aoife was slightly taller than me, with a round face, big blue eyes and that bouncy, happy-go-lucky look of someone who hadn't a care in the world. Sam and I were already firm friends by the time we finally left that table last night, and I liked the other two the moment I saw them.

* * *

I buried my face in my arms.

'I am never going to understand any of this,' I moaned, peeking up at my three friends from under my hair.

'Sure you are,' Sam said, not even looking at me. 'I mean, just because you're so wrapped up in the way you used to think things worked, doesn't mean the way we think things work, with magic things and things isn't going to...' She trailed off, looked up at me and frowned.

'Get lost?' Aoife queried, staring down at her timetable.

Sam shrugged. 'Well, you get my drift. Anyway, you'll get it. Trust me.'

I just blinked. 'Hey!' Sam cried. 'Just because...'

I sat up straight and held my hands up. 'No more! Please, honestly, you're reasoning is off the chart and bordering on insanity, no more!'

Sam just grinned, but it soon faded as someone sat beside me.

'Hello ladies! And how are you all this fine morning?' Sirius Black winked at Aoife, who blushed and looked back down at her timetable. Potter sat opposite him and out of the corner of my eye I saw him glance at the bruise on my cheek. I met his gaze directly.

'Can I help you?'

'I don't know, can you?'

'I doubt it, if it involves deflating your head, I'm sorry, I don't know enough magic yet.'

The sting in my tongue wasn't intentional, I mean, I hate people who are mean. But, honestly, the guy had elbowed me in the face less than twenty four hours ago! He scowled as my friends laughed around me.

'Watch it, Evans.'

I stood and shook my head, hitching my bag onto my shoulder. 'Take my advice, Potter. You watch it. I don't like pranksters, I don't like antagonists and I do not like arrogance. And you, my dear, have all of that.'

I remember walking off, feeling like I had won one battle. But, I reminded myself as I walked out of the Great Hall, the war had barely begun.


	5. A Few Skips Forwards

**A/N:** This has to be some sort of record, I'm writing each chapter as I go and I've put up 5 chapters the same day I started...

**Chenelle:** Yeppy, I'm a fan of yours! But I'm confusing myself because I'm watching about five Lily and James fics and my mind is mixing them all together... but I remember yours... dinky little fairies, honestly, I cracked up at that.

* * *

That was my first few days knowing that I was a witch. I can't put a whole heap of detail into this story of mine, or it won't be finished for another seven years. And, I'm sorry to tell, I don't have the patience for that.

I think it's fair to say that, after the first few days at Hogwarts, Potter and his little groupies and my friends and I became enemies. He didn't prank me, I was never sure why. But he played enough pranks to make me angry all the same. He learnt Wingardium Leviosa, the levitating charm, quite quickly and it wasn't long before people were watching their backs, just in case something random, such as a plate, a shoe or, god forbid, owl droppings flew into the back of their heads.

My friends and I seemed immune, however, but that didn't stop us glancing over our shoulders when we knew Potter and Black were in the room.

The fire was cracking merrily in the fireplace... why am I saying this? Well, anyway, it was. It was getting on to winter and I was studying in the common room. The others had all trooped upstairs but, me being me, I wanted to learn faster, be a little ahead, so that is why, at eleven at night, I was discovered pouring over book after book by Remus Lupin.

I looked up as he climbed through the portrait and froze. Catching the look on my face, he raised his hands in a sign of peace and grinned.

'It's ok, James and Sirius are the pranksters, not me.'

I was not easily fooled and, to prove it, I raised an eyebrow.

'Seriously, Lily.'

I think it was his use of my first name that changed my mind more than anything else. I nodded and turned back to my books. 'Why were you out roaming the castle so late?'

'Couldn't sleep.' He settled into the couch nearest to me

I remember chatting away to him for at least an hour. He took my mind off my work, which is quite a feat, and we became friends. It was his last comment as he finally headed up the boys stairs that made me laugh the most that I had in those uncertain last few days.

'You know, you're very nice... I should tell James it's safe to prank you after all...'

* * *

(Author interruption: God, I love Rove Live! 'Free sauce!')

* * *

Christmas came and went, and I returned different. My friends were worried, that was obvious, but how could I tell them that my sister had disowned me, told me that she wanted nothing to do with me... that she wished I'd never been born... It still hurts now.

I studied hard, learnt fast, and, unfortunately, fought hard with none other than James Potter himself for top student. It seemed like in no time, I was on the Hogwarts Express back home.

By the time third year came around, things were improving. I'd learnt how to deal with my sister. We just didn't speak. Easy. Sammy and I were best friends, Aoife and Hannah made up the rest of our infamous gang, a group to rival The Marauders, as they'd named their selves. Stupid. We were the complete opposite. I was seen to roll my eyes a lot at Potter and Black, who were the prime pranksters. I swear, if either of those two had pranked me... bam, right in the nose! And I don't mean my fist, more a spell.

Somehow, somewhere in the third year, I can't remember exactly when but I remember it clear as day, James Potter decided the other girls who fawned all over him were not enough. He wanted me. The one person he couldn't have.

'Evans! Go out with me?'

I stopped and whirled around. 'Huh?!' was all I gasped out.

'Will. You. Go. Out. With. Me.' Potter stressed each word carefully as if worried I didn't speak English. Well, honestly.

'Give me a break, I have taste.'

I turned and stalked off, my hair in its' usual lose ponytail swinging against my back. This went on, all through the year. At least once a week he'd ask me and every time I'd come back with something different.

'Go out with me?'

'I'm busy.'

'Doing what?'

'Something not involving you.'

* * *

'Evans, go out with me!'

'Now, why would I do something stupid like that?'

'Because it's with me.'

'That's precisely why I will not do it.'

And on and on. It became like a routine.


	6. Fifth Year Friends

**A/N:** This chapter is basically to adhere to a few requests, a bit of background for Lily's friends. Talking about requests (or more to the point, reviews), I'd love to reply to everyone's but, at a huge shock to me, I've received way too many to reply to...

Ok, so maybe I don't have the patience and, frankly, I can't be stuffed, but hey, this is just me.

So what I plan on doing is listing you all and bulk-thanking you. You're all fantastic, I haven't been in such a good mood for ages! Thanks guys and keep it up (especially the requests and critisism, I need advice on how to improve)!!

Fuzzy (fuzzlebub85 aol. com)  
maaike-fluffy  
ZayneLily  
pearlstar  
KissFromARose14  
Sylvia Louise  
Lynn (lollipop15 sbcglogabl. net)  
Charmergirl07  
kaze-nyv  
jamesismysweetheart  
phoenxarrw  
Padfoot's Sidekick

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I'm not one for romance and fluffy bunnies and cherubs. I've always been fairly down to earth, happy knowing if you push something that can be moved by your strength, it will move in the direction you push it. Simple physics, Newton's Laws. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A mass will continue at its velocity unless acted upon by an external unbalanced force. 

Magic and physics don't mix.

Romance, for me, is like magic and physics. Romance and I just don't make sense. So when Aoife used to sigh and dream away when we were supposed to be studying for our fifth year exams, I'd just laugh.

'Aoife, honey, romance ain't real.'

She'd just smile dreamily back at me. 'Just because you have no sense of romance, doesn't mean the rest of us do.'

'Hey, don't count me in that lovey dovey group of yours,' Sam leant back in her chair, holding up her hands as if to ward Aoife off. 'Lily and I, we have a sense of intelligence, not romance.'

Hannah snorted at the 'intelligence', earning a glare from Sammy. All eyes, however, swivelled back to Aoife when she, uncharacteristically, slammed her book shut.

'This sucks.'

* * *

Aoife is the epitome of happiness. A plump, cheery, rosy faced girl, the kind always up for hugs and giggles, she managed, with a smile, to lighten the mood in any room. She was Muggle born, like me, but that was about as far as similarities went. While I had always been the academic, quiet, sporty one, she was into shopping, socializing, and making friends left, right and centre. She's a great person to be around, and she knows it, giving herself a certain air of confidence. 

She was Irish, her parents and her moving to London a year before she got 'The Letter', as she named it, that bright grin and glitter in her eyes lighting up her face. She had a golden halo of curls and bright blue eyes and a lilting accent to make anyone jealous.

Hannah, taller than most boys in our year, was quiet and thoughtful, a lot like I was when I was in that mood. But, unlike me, she was like that all the time. She was one of the sweetest girls I'd ever met and, in the last few years, it seemed like she was shrinking. It was my guess that she'd had an early growth spurt, being taller than us to begin with. But we were more than catching up.

She'd been a bit of a loner at her old school; that much she trusted me with. I have a feeling she wasn't a fan of putting her trust in people. Somewhere along the line she'd been burned. Even know, I have no idea what happened to her.

Her parents were divorced and she lived with her father. I think she once told me her mother had run off with another wizard to Spain, and that her father now worked in the ministry.

I said before that she was quiet. I meant quiet around others. Within five minutes, staying silent the first night we stayed up so late on the first day we all met and were sorted into Gryffindor, she seemed to have assessed us an filed us under 'safe'. She joked, giggled and smiled in private with us. But her conversations regarding herself only just brushed the surface.

Sammy... well, Sam was Sam. What can I say? She's a ratbag.

* * *

Things went quite blissfully for a while. But fifth year came around I had managed one important feat. I no longer thought 'this is not possible.' Congratulations to me. Sam showed her happiness by leaping up on a nearby table in the centre of the common room and catching everyone's attention in pure Sammy Style. 

'OI! EVERYONE, SHUT UP!'

Silence.

'I would like to publicly congratulate my bestest buddy Lilikins Evans for managing to beat the little voice in her head which keeps telling her magic is not real. I think we can all learn a very important lesson from this...'

'When you hear voices in your head you should go see a psychologist?'

'Oh, Black, who asked for your opinion? No one? Exactly, go hex someone, because, other than that, no one else will ever care.'

Laughs and Blacks red, furious face disappeared as he flung himself angrily onto the nearest couch. I sent Sam a thumbs-up sign, even though my cheeks burned with embarrassment.

'The lesson I was about to disclose, before I was so rudely interrupted by Monsieur Ego over there, was that we can all beat our inner voices shut up no one cares...' She managed to point at Potter as she said this, her tone of voice not changing. The crowd laughed again. 'Our inner voices,' Sam called over the laughs, which died down immediately. 'And if we can beat ourselves, we can beat anything. Thank you!'

She bowed and everyone clapped as she leapt off the table and grinned at me.

'That should inspire a few of them, after what's been happening.'


	7. Potter versus Evans

A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers, again! This chapter is a bit long, but I enjoyed writing it just the same. The next one will be... well, you'll just have to see, won't you?

* * *

I know anyone reading this is probably shaking their heads thinking 'umm, missed a bit, have you?'

Yeah, I have. But if I wrote down what cereal I ate for breakfast each day, even if I was the most incredible writer ever to grace the planet, I'd be willing to bet five hundred galleons that you'd get pretty bored pretty damn fast. So, what the hey, I skipped a bit. I suppose I should scrape what interesting bits together, maybe for just a paragraph or so.

Sam and I were fairly famous around Hogwarts, in our year. Possibly because the Marauders were and, seeing as I always managed to snap back at Potter's declarations of love, people began to look favourably upon me and the girls associated with me, annoying an humiliating as that was. Or, actually, the boys did, because the girls fawned all over the Marauders. Except, maybe Peter. With those watery, shift eyes and that ratty like nose... I don't know, he wasn't my idea of a drop dead gorgeous guy. Sam was into pranks for revenge, the boys into pranks for entertainment. None of it was entirely harmful, although maybe Filibuster Fireworks in an enclosed space, like the girls bathroom, touched on possibly dangerous.

My third and fourth year was spent growing up and, as Sam put it, out. I became more outgoing as we went along, with Sammy as assumed tutor. My constant studying and nerdiness (as Hannah called it) faded away into the background. Sure, I still studied my buns off, but I had fun too.

Hogsmeade trips were a thing of extreme excitement. No matter how grey and rainy the day was, us four girls always managed to have so much fun and crack so many jokes that we would end up gasping for breath in-between fits of laughter.

Fifth year was a turning point. Lord Voldemort made himself known.

It would pop up in the news every so often, magical news, of course. So and so found murdered. A house destroyed here, a family terrorised there. Then it became worse. Some people were fighting back, others were terrified and attacked anything that moved, while fighting erupted between old friends and families. However, for us students, hoarded away in our haven at Hogwarts, it didn't really register just how bad things were. We just went blithely on with our lives, having a great time with friends and the like. The only repercussion we felt was, mid way through fifth year, Hogsmeade weekends came to a crashing halt.

I knew what was going on better than some in my year, Muggle born as I was, because, while some were gallivanting around and... ahem... pranking people, I, sitting quietly, looking like I was doing my work in class, managed to get quite a bit of detail off teachers, discussing the recent events in dulcet tones amongst themselves. The parts I understood I passed on to my friends, in a more censored manner. I didn't add that the youngest to die was only about eighteen months old. Those details I kept to myself and the thought alone would keep me awake at night, shivering in horror or sometimes crying silently, mourning the death of a little baby I'd never known.

I managed to remain myself, however, around others. I hitched up my smile and, most of the time when I was with my friends, forgot that the world was at war with some psycho with his dreams of pure blood and world domination. So I showed no undue emotion when, after our exams, I found Potter and Black bullying Severus Snape.

'Leave him alone!'

Behind me, on the grass beside the lake, Sammy, Hannah and Aoife had given up trying to talk me out of running up there and stopping the Marauders, and sat watching me for a moment, before Sam leapt to her feet and followed. I could feel my face burning with fury, my hands trembling angrily. Potter looked up at me, his hair messy from him running his hand ridiculously through his hair a million times. Just the sight of it made my blood boil.

'All right, Evans?'

Ooh, I could have ripped that tongue out with my bare hands!

'Leave him alone,' I said again, my voice low and threatening. I glared at him furiously. 'What's he ever done to you?'

'Well,' Potter started, frowning slightly, as if thinking hard about what he was about to say. 'It's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean...'

The crowd around us laughed, including Pettigrew and Black, who were standing just behind Potter. Although Potter was a good head taller than me, I glared up into his eyes, daring him to argue with me.

'You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone!'

'I will if you go out with me, Evans,' he said, straight away. I almost laughed in his face, and would have, if I hadn't been shaking with so much anger. 'Go on, go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.'

'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,' I answered, slowly and coldly.

Black, watching over Potter's shoulder, grinned. 'Bad luck, Prongs- OI!'

My eyes snapped to Snape just as a flash of light made me blink. Next thing I knew, Potter, his face cut deep and bleeding, had his wand trained on Snape, who was hanging upside down, his robes falling down to reveal his legs and, sickeningly, underwear.

A few people around us cheered and clapped. I couldn't help it, my anger faltered for a moment and I felt my face twitch before I saved my livid expression. 'Let him down!' I yelled.

'Certainly.' Potter yanked his wand upwards and Snape crashed to the ground, immediately trying to push himself to his feet. He raised his wand and opened his mouth...

'Petrificus Totalus!' Black's wand was trained on Snape as he fell, rigid. I felt something rush through me, a burst of adrenaline. My God, I have never been so furious in my life!

'LEAVE HIM ALONE!' I bellowed, whipping my wand out as I roared. Potter and Black stopped immediately, eyeing my wand. They knew I was no amateur.

'Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you...'

'Take the curse off him, then!'

Potter sighed, waved his wand and murmured the counter-curse.

'There you go... you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-.'

'I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!'

It was like he'd slapped me. A few girls in the crowd, Potter's followers, gasped, horrified, and I just stared at him, then blinked.

'Fine,' I said calmly. 'I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus...'

'Apologise to Evans!'

'I don't want you to make him apologise,' I shouted, whirling around and glaring at him. 'You're as bad as he is!'

'What?' Potter barked. 'I'd NEVER call you a... you-know-what!'

But he was too late. I'd had enough, biting my lip when all I wanted to do was give him my honest opinion of what I thought of him, curbing my temper every time I caught him teasing and bullying someone... the words sprang from my mouth without me even registering exactly what I was saying.

'Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can- I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground, with that fat head on it! You make me SICK!'

I wheeled around and marched away, ignoring Potter's shouts to regain my attention. Who did he think he was, anyway? What a slimy, self absorbed, arrogant jerk! I wanted nothing more to do with him, and it stayed that way. Until the middle of my sixth year. The day I found out my parents had died.


	8. Summer Holidays

**A/N:** I have a slight case of writers block but I've prewritten chapter nine as well. In reply to a few of my faithful reviewers, the reason this is so fast and brisk will become clearer within the next few chapters. Lily herself will explain it. Any other suggestions, fire away!

Also, I reread the story the other day and there are a heap of mistakes. So... I'm sorry...

* * *

Something changed, after that argument between Potter and I. It wasn't long after that that school ended and we were sent home for the summer holidays. For the final week or so, Potter never spoke a word to me. The first day after the confrontation, he walked past me and I almost yelled out 'what, no begging me to go out with you?' It just seemed... weird. He looked at me strangely, or, more to the point, not at all. If I looked at him and caught him looking at me, he'd avert his eyes, as if hoping not to begin a conversation between us. As if I'd want to speak with him.

* * *

My parents picked me up from Kings Cross and, after hugs all around from my friends, I trooped off with Mum and Dad, ready and willing to go home. I'd missed them so much. Glancing over my shoulder as I went, I saw the Marauders tumble through the barrier, laughing at some joke Black had just muttered. My eyes caught Potter's and, to my amazement, he blinked and looked away, the colour rising in his cheeks.

'What the he..?'

'Lily, come on!'

My Dad grinned over at me, waving and grinning like a Cheshire Cat. I ran to him and almost threw myself into his arms. He laughed and picked me up.

'Hey, kiddo! How are you?'

'Brilliant!' I trailed off into yabbering madly about my last few days, since I sent my last owl home. Niamh, now a fully grown cat, padded along beside me, her head raised, watching me with eyes that said 'ok, what happened to the quiet, shy girl under who's arm I was carried in the very place, five years ago?' If I had glanced behind me, I would have seen Black pretending to slap Potter, trying to catch his attention as his dark brown eyes remained locked on my father and I, talking and laughing animatedly.

* * *

Petunia greeted me with a sniff when I walked in the front door. I had learned, over the past few years, that it was wise not to try to regain her friendship. She had changed for the worst and I had lost my sister. I just had to grin and bear it. So I did. I managed to endure the snide comments, the harsh looks and the snubs. Although, of course, sometimes I just had to bite back. Sam had taught me that.

'When do you go back to that freaky school of yours?' Petunia muttered at the dinner table one night, while my parents were talking quietly in the kitchen.

'September the first, as you well know.'

'I make a point of keeping my nose out of that sort of business.'

'That's good, because it's buried in everyone else's, it needs a rest every now and then.'

It hit me, just then, how much my sister looked like a horse. I'm sorry, but it wasn't too appealing, that long nose, bony face, tall and skinny... I just concentrated on my food as she threw down her knife and fork and marched out of the kitchen. I couldn't help it, I indulged myself and grinned.

* * *

I still can't decide whether I was looking forward to going back to school or not. It was a lot of mixed emotions on the first of September, when I rocked up at Kings Cross with Niamh, my trunk and my badge... did I mention I became prefect in fifth year? Well, I did. I copped a bit from Sam, until I threatened her with detention.

'You wouldn't.'

'Watch me.'

'She would,' Aoife interrupted with a grin.

I said my goodbyes to my parents, kissed them both goodbye and hopped on the train, waving out of the window. It was the last time I saw them, an arm around each other, waving goodbye to me as the train chugged lethargically along the track. But that comes later.

I headed for the prefect compartment first, running into Sam, Aoife and Hannah on the way. We'd kept in close contact during the holidays, especially Sammy and I, with whom I'd relayed all my encounters with my sister. She sympathized and suggested hexes and curses to make my holidays more relaxing, but I wasn't too interested in breaking the law. It just wasn't my thing.

Slipping into the compartment, I sent small smiles at a few people I knew and was surprised when Remus Lupin patted the seat beside him. I blinked but sat, smiling at him.

'How were your holidays?'

'Good,' he said, with a small sigh. 'My parents and I went to France and I stayed at Pr- James' place for a week.'

I had noticed he looked a lot browner than usual. It was the Remus trademark, pale and weak-looking. 'How was yours?'

I had no wish to tell someone so close to Potter and Black of my troubles, just in case they inadvertently found out and told just about everyone. So I shrugged and said; 'Same old. Family things... I mean, I don't have any grandparents and both my parents are only children...' I trailed off and blushed. What was I doing, I was supposed to be watching what I was saying! Remus seemed to catch on.

'Don't worry,' he assured me with a grin. 'I won't tell James or Sirius about anything you say. Besides, they've grown up a bit over the holidays. They're still pranksters and like a good joke, but they aren't so harmful about it.'

I said nothing, just raised my eyebrows. Besides, the Head Boy, Harvey Ursper, stood and started on his speech.

'What do you think, Lily?' Remus asked me, as we slipped out of the compartment together. 'A ball, this year? Might be fun... oh no...' He blanched and looked across at me. 'Who am I going to ask?'

I laughed. Remus, worried about a date? The boy was bonkers, I could list off at least seven girls off the top of my head who'd jump at the chance to go with him. But I didn't say this, it wasn't what he needed to hear. I just patted his arm and said reassuringly, 'I doubt you'll have much trouble, Remus.'

He smiled, reassured. 'I'd better go, the others will want to have their say about me being prefect again, so I might as well get it over with.' Then, with a grin and a wave, he slipped away.


	9. The End of Childhood

**A/N:** Sorry it's been a while since I added. I had a bit of writers block but I just rattled off some bull and started a new, fresh chapter... Anyway, before I end this authors note, I have just one more request...

**Prime Minister John Howard, GO ON ROVE LIVE!**

* * *

Sixth year was an unnerving year for everyone. Those of us who weren't pure blood were on tender hooks as, day after day, more news of attacks came into the school. A number of times 'The Owl' swooped into the Great Hall and one, two, maybe five people would have the horrible task of reading the letter, telling them their parents had died. And, if our parents hadn't died, the Slytherin's let us know what they thought of us. I had a lot of them hissing names and abusive comments at my back, but I kept my head high. They couldn't touch me. 

'Double history, you've got to be kidding me!' Sam moaned at breakfast one morning. I giggled.

'Sammy, I think you'll survive.'

'No, I won't.' She looked at me defiantly. 'I curl into a tortured little ball and die a slow painful death.'

Possibly not the best choice of words, but it made the others laugh all the same. Potter, sitting opposite me, grinned but, as my eyes caught his, his face fell and he looked down at his plate.

'Lily, mail!'

My head snapped up just in time to watch the letter flutter into my lap. I frowned. The letter wasn't black and it had... a postage stamp. All in all, it was addressed to me. I turned it over in my hands. No return address, but definitely a government looking envelope.

'Well, what are you waiting for, Little Red Head? Open it!' Sam widened her eyes and shook her head. I grinned and ripped the envelope open, tipping the letter out onto my plate. With a flourish, I snapped the letter open and began to read.

It was strange, the Great Hall had been so loud and bustling just a few moments before. It seemed like someone had flipped a switch somewhere and the volume cut out. I could see myself, the colour drain from my face, my hand start to tremble, the light fade from my eyes. People around me were leaning in, confused, asking questions. I didn't hear them, I didn't see them. All I could see were the words on the paper, those bloody words! I can remember them still, pounding through my head, like some sort of sick mantra.

'... Kevin and Lisa Evans... car crash... horrific... died... died... died...'

My gaze went through the letter and I didn't realise I was scrunching the paper in my hands, reducing it to pulp. Then someone turned the volume up.

'Lily?'

I swung, planted my feet, left my bag, plate, friends, the envelope, everything but the letter, still clutched tightly in my hand. I don't know how I stood upright without passing out, but I jumped to my feet and stalked out of the Great Hall, out of the castle, across the grounds... I didn't see the lake. Nor the castle windows glinting in the sunlight peeking through the clouds as they congealed into a grey mass. It would rain, but I didn't realise. Didn't care. Just kept walking.

The first few drops of rain woke me from my daze. I looked up, around. Began to see. Dead. Dead. They were dead. Gone. The worst thing? I had no one. No cousins, no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles.

No sister.

No one.

I had reached my favourite place on the shore of the lake. A weeping willow hung over the water, the fronds seeming to reach into the water and continue down, down, forever. I sat under the fronds, feeling the rain pound the ground around me, soaking me, and cried. Buried my head in my arms and cried.

Sammy told me later that it took them two hours to find me. Two hours I sat in that rain.

Before James Potter finally found me.

Under the roar of the pouring rain, I never heard anyone coming and it wasn't until he sat near me, not too closely, that I knew he was there. I didn't look up. My head felt heavy, as if it was filled with lead and besides, I never wanted to open my eyes again. It felt like I had sat there in the rain for centuries, but I didn't care. Why should I care about warmth, health and comfort when I have no family? An orphan... I was an orphan...

My head lifted of its own accord and I opened my eyes. He was sitting beside me, wet hair plastered to his head, twisting a piece of grass between his fingers. Just waiting. He hadn't prompted me, he hadn't nagged me, asking what had happened, why I was out here in the rain... but the look he gave me when he turned his head slightly and those brown eyes locked with mine... I swear on my life, I'll never forget it.

I ran a hand over my face and stared out over the lake, taking a deep shuddery breath. The words came without me realising it.

'It was a car crash. Apparently they died instantly... the funeral is on Thursday. I don't want to go,'

'I know.' I barely heard him, his voice was so quiet. James stood and held out his hand and, without thinking, I grasped it and eased myself to my feet, feeling my muscles scream in protest, after sitting there for so long. James held my hand for a long moment and looked me in the eye. 'I know. But I'm- we're not going to let you get sick out here, there've been too many bad things happening without you getting sick too.'

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I let him guide me up to the castle and to the common room, where my friends were waiting silently, a pile of towels in their arms.


	10. The Truth Hurts

**AN:** Nothing to say. Thanks for the reviews and read Bella Catherina's stories. Champion. Keep reading, heaps to come.

* * *

Life didn't come to a crashing halt because I was now parentless. The funeral was moving and beautiful, but I barely moved. I didn't cry, didn't move. I watch my parents lowered down at the committal, and just stared up at the ceiling. I don't know why I didn't break down, but I just couldn't.

I went back to Hogwarts the very next day. I had been kindly informed by my sister that I was to have no contact whatsoever with her, that she was boarding at her school and getting married to her boyfriend, Vernon, next year. I was not invited to the wedding.

Hogwarts was bustling, people in the halls were laughing, joking, carrying on. It seemed like I was immune, apart from everything. People looked at me strangely and avoided me, as if I had a disease they were afraid they might catch. The only people who treated me remotely the same were my friends and, strangely, James Potter and Remus Lupin. Although, Potter seemed slightly different lately. No surprise. This year was to be quite... different.

I sighed and picked at my breakfast. All around me Gryffindors were chattering and I caught the tail end of a few conversations.

'... she wanted me to bring my old robes, just in case, but I wanted new ones. I mean, I'm not going to wear the same dress robes twice, that's just ridiculous!'

'... I reckon Divination is ridiculous...'

'Mail!'

My head snapped up like everyone else's as the owls flew in and swooped around, letters, parcels and newspapers flying everywhere. The final owl winged its way out of the Great Hall and the room exploded with chatter. No black envelope... not one.

I glanced up in amazement and spotted Potter sitting across from me. He was very pale and quiet, moving his food around his plate, just like I was. My jaw dropped as I saw him shrug his shoulder and tuck something back into the pocket of his robes.

A black envelope.

* * *

I found him later that day. It didn't seem right, unlike the day I'd... I'd found out, it was bright and sunny, the odd fluffy white cloud gliding across the sun. He was standing beneath the willow, exactly where I had sat crying my eyes out just last week. The letter was dangling from his finger tips but he wasn't crying. His face was white, entire body trembling. I knew I should walk away, but I couldn't help myself. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and tiptoed up to him. 

'Are you ok?' I asked tentatively, resting my hand on his arm.

It was like I shot him. He leapt back from me and whipped around, his lips white with fury.

'Don't touch me!'

I gasped and took a step back. 'I was trying to hel-.'

'Yeah, sure,' he sneered, nodding sarcastically. 'You just love to help, don't you? More like you want to rub my nose in it! You march around this school thinking you're so good, better than everyone else! Well, I have news for you, you're not! You're no different to me or Sirius or anyone else around here! Just because you're smart and beautiful doesn't mean you can look down your nose at me! I've grown up a lot over the holidays, I've changed and you still look at me as if I'm some sort of ape in robes, waving a wand around, like some worthless stick! I'm still not good enough to be friends with! I tried so hard since the holidays to be friends with you but you don't give me a chance! Well, I give up, you win, see you later, Lily!'

He glared at me and marched off. I sat suddenly on the grass, his words ringing in my ears. My mind reeled, not only because James had finally spat out the truth. He called me Lily.

* * *

I never told my friends about James and what he'd said, his sudden explosive revelation. I never knew he thought of me like that but, typically, within a day I had reached the opinion that he had no reason to judge me and he hating me would probably be a good thing. At least the chance of him asking me out was now null. I convinced myself that he was wrong, he's always wrong, what right did he have to say such things to me? Deep down I knew he was right, but I wanted to believe it was all him.

'You and Potter had a lovers tiff?'

The question was so absurd, I ignored it, but Aoife nudged Sam in the arm anyway. They had a whispered debate which, I assumed, Aoife won, because Sammy buried her face in her book again, scowling. Potter and his mates were sitting across the other side of the common room, studying quietly (which astounded me in the first place) and Sam had noticed the look of vehemence Potter had shot at me. I felt my cheeks burn as I stared at the pages of the book, and the black letters in front of me shifted as a sudden wall of tears blocked my clear view. I blinked them away. Why was I crying? It was his problem, not mine. Sixth year was going to be very different...


	11. Plans and Preparations

**A/N:** Hey, it's been thirty second since my last post. I have nothing to say. Read Bella Catherina's stories or suffer! Ok, maybe not but you're missing out, people. Good chapter this one. At least the beginning is... well, _I_ enjoyed writing it... just read the goddam story.

* * *

It was that time of the year, right in the middle of autumn and winter. Heading into Christmas and, horribly, the holidays. The leaves made a bright carpet of gold, red, brown and orange on the green grass, the lake reflecting the blue of the sky...

Hey, I've never been able to write like that, just thought I'd give it a whirl. The last few parts that I've written have been slightly dodgy, I suppose it's just been difficult. How could it not be? Sometimes I still think to myself 'should write Mum... maybe Dad could help...' and then I have to remember again. They say that time heals all wounds. Well, they're wrong. You just get accustomed to the pain, that's all.

There are times now when I wake up after a horrible nightmare, sweating and screaming. It takes a few moments to realise where I am and relax again, the terrifying thoughts and memories of what I've seen racing through my mind. I've seen a bit.

* * *

I shuddered and drew my cloak closer around my body, my eyes wide as I stared down into the grounds. The moon shone brightly and glittered in the frost on the grass. It hadn't snowed yet, but that wasn't what I was waiting for. My eyes were locked on the Whomping Willow, following the sway of the branches. It was freezing in the common room, the fire long since died down. The house elves wouldn't come in while I was here, they prefer not to be seen. So I froze as I stood by the window, and watched, not moving a muscle.

Finally, it happened. It seemed like forever, but it can't have been much longer than ten minutes. The tree froze and two shadowy figures tumbled from underneath it, staggering as far away from the tree as they could before it started moving again. I involuntarily pulled the hem of my cloak tighter around my freezing body. I knew damn well that I should be down there, telling them off, giving them detention, but I could tell there was a lot more going on down there than breaking curfew.

The two figures were arguing, you could see it clearly from their stances, body movements, the way one was pointing fervently back at the tree, the way the other was waving his arms around. I bit my lip and looked up. Full moon. I knew what was going on. I must've been the only girl who knew. I'd figured it out as I watched. Maybe that was what kept me standing still for so long... no, actually, I think I was just worried.

I went to bed when I saw them come into the castle. I didn't want another confrontation, so when James finally slipped into the common room, he had no idea that I'd seen everything that had happened.

* * *

Plans and preparations for the ball were sorted out at top speed. Numerous times we had heated prefects meetings, usually involving a stubborn or angry Slytherin who just didn't agree with what everyone else decided. With just two weeks let until Christmas, it was finally sorted, posters were up, decorations were designed, people were given jobs to do, involving decorations, the house elves had been given directions for the food and the whole school was buzzing with excitement. Me? I was just glad the attention was off Voldemort.

My friends were all treating the upcoming ball in different ways. Hannah, in her usual way, kept a calm vigil, watching Aoife bounce around the dorm, chattering non-stop and Sammy use her sarcastic sense of humour, taking the Mickey out of everything.

'Oh, I just _love_ trying on dresses,' she grinned manically, and threw a ruby coloured piece of cloth to the floor. 'What a load of-'

'Hey, look at this one!' Aoife's round face glowed as she rummaged through the trunk Hannah's father had sent them. Hannah sat back on the bed, her face blank. I'm not sure how her father had found all these dresses, but she certainly did. I didn't ask, just sat next to her and smiled. I was relieved when she gave a wan smile back.

'Ooh, Lily, this one would look wonderful on you!'

I rolled my eyes, not even bothering to look at the dress she was holding up. 'Ok, Aoife, I'll wear that one.'

She, too busy in admiring my dress, giggled, folded it up, and tucked it back into the bottom of the chest. Aoife leapt to her feet and bounded over to the mirror, taking her hair and flinging it around her head.

'What do you think?' she asked, talking at top speed, her voice high pitched with excitement. 'Up like this, or maybe down and curly, or what about-.'

'Shut UP, Aoife!' Sammy cried, grabbing a pillow and jamming it into her face. 'I hate discussing these kinds of things, they're so...'

'Girly?' I asked, raising an eyebrow. 'Well, that could be because we are girls...'

Aoife skipped back to the chest, gently lowering the lid. 'Who am I going to go with? Oh, I hope Robert asks me, he's so cute.'

'He's a dope,' Sammy mumbled through the pillow.

'He's sweet!' Aoife defended, heatedly.

'Dope.'

'Sweet!'

'Do you guys want to take this outside?' Hannah interjected quietly, somehow her voice carrying over the din.

Aoife huffed and stomped from the room, twirling a lock of golden hair around her finger. Sam grinned as she dropped the pillow. 'I love getting her mad, it's so easy.'

'Sam, take that pillow away before I suffocate you with it.'

'Will do!' She smiled brightly at me and tossed the pillow over her shoulder. 'Do I really need to wear one of those?' She waved a careless hand at the chest.

I sighed. 'Certainly looks like it. Unless you'd like to go naked.'

'At least it would cause a sensation.'

'Got that right,' Hannah muttered. 'It might cause sudden vomiting to-.'

She didn't get a chance to finish, as a pillow belted her in the face. Hannah laughed and pulled it away, tucking behind her on the bed. I couldn't help it. I smiled. For the first time since my parents died I smiled properly. Hannah was laughing, Aoife was excited and Sam was in a good mood, not matter what she said about the ball. Besides, those boys were in for a shock.


	12. The Ball

**

* * *

A/N:** Loooooooong chapter! But this one is good. I know certain people don't exactly love romance -coughs- Cat... so I've obliged as much as possible. Bada bing, bada boom, read on! But before you do...

**Johnny Howard, GO ON ROVE LIVE!**

* * *

'Wingardium Leviosa!'

I kept my wand trained on the ribbon, watching it float upwards. Beside me, Howard, a short, red headed Hufflepuff, muttered and the ribbon stuck itself to the walls, dipping gracefully downwards. I grinned and looked at him, then shook his hand.

'We make a great team.'

I turned and surveyed the Great Hall. Small round tables were scattered around, the house tables and benches gone. Ribbons of gold, silver, ruby, emerald, sapphire and royal purple fluttered against the walls, a few Christmas trees, decorated with snowflakes, diamonds and golden balls were scattered around. The tables were placed around the dance floor, a stage set up for the band, The Magi Brothers. It had taken about thirty five owls until we had finally received a reply... and then twenty two more to get them to agree. It was well worth it.

'Lily, come on!' Remus was standing in the doorway as I looked around, shaken from my thoughts. He raised an eyebrow and smiled. He and I were the only ones left in the entire hall. I looked at my watch and gasped.

'Yeah,' he grinned, nodding. 'You have less than an hour.'

I ran a hand wildly through my hair. 'Is everything ready, everything done?'

'Certainly looks like it. The guys are probably having a shower now-.'

'There's a mental picture I didn't need. See you soon!' I smiled and dashed past him, pelting up the stairs and through the corridors, into the common room. Sirius, James and Peter were there, lounging back on the sofas. They were already in their dress robes and I stopped short and blinked. James and Sirius looked very handsome. Black grinned at me.

'Half an hour...'

My eyes widened and I tore my eyes away from James, who was watching my flushed face and nervously twisting hands. Whirling around, I pelted up the stairs.

* * *

'Lily, hurry up!' 

I had ten minutes as I tore from the bathroom, hair and makeup done. Aoife smiled, although she was hopping from one foot to the other, her violet dress robes swirling around her feet. She looked so sweet, with that angelic face. 'You look very pretty, here's your dress.'

I caught the bundle of emerald cloth just in time and looked down at it.

'Hurry up!'

No time. I darted into the bathroom again and wriggled into it, then pulled on my shoes. Only then did I look in the mirror.

I thought I was looking at my mother, for a moment. My hair had been pulled up into an elaborate sort of bun, little ringlets tumbling down around my face, here and there. My eyes were huge, almond shaped, and a fierce bright green. The dress matched my eyes perfectly, a deep green, satin... I never thought it would be so pretty. Sam smiled at me, her black gown making her look completely different. Female.

'James will get a shock.'

'Oh, shut your face.'

'Woo, there's Lily! Lost her for a second...'

'Don't make me tell you again.'

Hannah emerged from the bathroom, her dress white, perfectly suiting her dark skin, eyes and her hair, which hung in curls down her back. She never wore her hair down.

'Come on, we'd better go.'

She looked terrified at the thought.

* * *

Everyone was already in the Great Hall by the time we got there, so us four girls, all dateless, as we'd decided the week before, slipped in. We headed over to our table and I nudged Sam as a whistle rang out from a group of seventh year boys, standing near us. She nudged back. 

'They're whistling at you.'

'No, at you. They just realized you're a girl.'

'What, they couldn't tell before? I would have thought these would be a dead giveaway.' She inclined her head, gesturing to her chest.

I just smiled as we reached out table and sat. I felt more like a lady than ever, it was incredible what a bit of makeup and a dress could do. I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked around, smiling brightly when I saw Remus, looking very pale, crouching beside me.

'You look wonderful, Lily.'

'You scrub up pretty good yourself, Lupin.'

He grinned. 'Well, at least now I know for sure it's you. You should have seen James' face when you walked in...'

'Oh, really, I don't want to know,' I interrupted, holding up my hands in mock surrender.

Remus laughed. 'I think you do, but I won't trouble you.' He tweaked a ringlet and stood up. 'I want a dance with you and your beautiful friends tonight, too.'

He smiled shyly at Hannah who looked down at her hands, folded politely in her lap. I laughed as he walked off. Hannah and Remus, who'd have guessed?

Professor Dumbledore stood and cleared his throat, his blue dress robes swishing around his ankles.

'Welcome one and all! A perfect night for a ball, Christmas Eve, although this year has been far from nice for a number of students among us. We must all hold our chins high and become united to win against this threat, this danger to our lives, friends and families. But enough of this moral speaking, tuck in!'

The hall exploded with chatter as people turned back to their tables and began to assess their menus. I picked up mine and, as I did, spotted James sitting facing me a few tables away. He looked up and met my eyes, but nothing in his face changed. No look of surprise, no evil glare. Nothing. I swallowed and looked down at the menu, listening to Aoife yabber on and on about so many superficial things.

I know this section is rather long, but a lot happened at the ball. A lot... changed. Plates were picked clean by the time the band struck up their first song and people made their way to the floor to dance. It was after a rather exuberant song and energy burning dance with Andrew, a friend of mine from Ravenclaw, that I was sitting in a chair on the sidelines, fanning my very flushed face and laughing at Sam's stupid jokes about the boys stepping on girls toes because they're so desperate to be all over the first girl they come across, that James Potter asked me to dance.

I could see him a few feet away, Remus pushing him in the arm gently. James scowled and I looked abruptly away as he turned and walked over. He stood in front of me for a moment, as Sam fell silent.

'Want to dance?'

I looked up at him and opened my mouth to say no, followed with a sarcastic comment.

'Sure, ok.'

Hello? Did I have some mental breakdown without me knowing it? Brain sends message to mouth, mouth moves and makes noise according to what the message from the brain says. Where along the line did the message become the complete opposite? I saw something glint in James' eyes but he just glared at me and held out his hand.

It was like we were daring each other, a silent fight, a game of wills. The dance was one of those old fashioned ones, one we had been taught, where you take so many steps one way and move your arm like that, twirl and take a step backwards. A routine, over and over. We never glanced away, my eyes were locked with his the entire time, his boring into mine angrily. The steps were flawless, possibly because we weren't concentrating, it was more feeling the music and letting our bodies do the practiced routine. It was a war of determination, I never looked away, and his face was stony, his cheeks flushed with antagonism.

I never noticed the other dancers around us, I couldn't understand why, just that I couldn't tear my eyes away from his. He was not going to win this staring contest, I made damn sure of that.

The music ended and I took a step away from him. Something flickered in his face, so fast I nearly missed it, but he turned and stalked off before it really registered. I headed for my seat. I needed a few minutes to sit and calm myself down.


	13. Christmas Day

I was very quiet on Christmas Day. We woke up late, some girls with mascara smudges under their eyes, others, like me, had the foresight to wash their faces before they tumbled into bed. We'd had our fun, our night of being ladies and gentlemen. It was back to being kids and living in a school. Mourning. Last night, somehow, I'd been able to put the fact that my parents were dead behind me, but now, Christmas morning, there was no avoiding it. There were memories everywhere. Missing Christmas presents, no tree with our childhood decorations dangling in pride of place, no waking up and racing into my parents room, never mind the fact that I'm sixteen, to pounce on their bed and wake them at six o'clock.

The sun was out, glittering on the snow across the grounds. I put on my mask, a smile, happy chatter, laughter, just so the others didn't ask questions or offer support. Or, worse, sympathy. Sammy pile her presents up and hauled them into the common room, followed by Hannah and Aoife. Aoife had argued with me until she headed back up the stairs and collected my meager load of parcels, dragging them downstairs.

'Aoife, I can open them later...'

'Nope,' she puffed, dumping them unceremoniously at my feet. 'We'll open them with the boys.'

'Huh?'

You see, after the dance with James last night I had taken a quick walk outside then headed upstairs an hour before the end of the ball. So it seemed like I missed a bit. Somewhere along the line Hannah and Remus had... well, you know, they probably had their own quiet romantic moment thingy. So, they'd hooked up. Sam and Sirius had somehow started arguing and ended kissing. God, I could never even begin to understand those two. Still don't. So I sat, watching the others laugh and tear open presents gleefully, and I laughed in all the right places, but memories were racing through my mind.

I wasn't the only one. James was sitting in the sofa across from me, face drawn, not giving anything away. Even when he looked at me, not one flash of emotion went across his pale face. His hair was messy, yes, but he had ceased that irritating habit of running his hand through it, trying to make himself look cool. I had a sudden urge to talk to him, maybe get to know him, but he had a kind of wall built up. I suppose I had the same. I didn't know if he had any family apart from his parents. Obviously not much, because most of his presents were from his mates.

At about ten o'clock I'd had enough. The happiness and excitement was suffocating, and I needed some fresh air. I stood and grinned down at them.

'Yo, kiddies. I'm just going for a walk, ok?'

Aoife made to stand up. 'I'll come with.'

'Nah, it's ok, really. I think I can walk around the castle now and not get lost.' I winked and she sat back down, unconvinced. I didn't care. There was a part of me almost screaming aloud 'leave me alone!'

I wrapped my cloak around my shoulders as I headed out of the castle, feeling the icy breeze bite the skin on my cheek. There was a little rock wall which over looked the lake, in the lee of the castle. I huddled there, the toe of my shoe scuffing the snow as it swung back and forth, out of the cold wind, and felt one tear trickle down my cheek.

'It's hard, isn't it?'

I sniffed and looked next to me, watching James settle himself beside me on the wall, his face white from the cold, his brown eyes peering at me from behind his glasses. 'You like this view, don't you?'

'I love it,' I said quietly, my voice shaking as I trembled with cold. 'I mean, everything is white and then there's the lake... it's a very pretty contrast...' My voice trailed off. The words were beautiful in my mind, but when you say them aloud it sounds geeky. I giggled softly. 'You probably think I'm being stupid.'

He shook his head, pulling a face. 'Naw, I see what you mean, so it's ok. Besides, I'm not going to make fun of you just because you're a nerd.'

'Thanks, James.'

'Anytime.'

I glanced at him and caught a slight lopsided grin on his face. 'What's so funny?'

He turned and looked at me squarely. 'That is the first time you've ever called me James. Just sounds weird, that's all.'

'Want me to call you Pothead?'

'No, James will do just fine, thanks, Lilikins.'

'Hey!' I pushed him in the shoulder then sighed and resting my chin in my hands, my elbows propped against my knees. 'I miss them so much.'

He didn't answer so I looked across at him and my jaw dropped. His eyes were fixed on his hands, a tear resting on his cheek. He was clenching his teeth tightly, desperately holding on to his self control. Without thinking I draped an arm around his shoulders.

'You know,' he said through his teeth. It sounded like he was trying to break down a brick wall with his bare hands. 'I had a fight with my dad before I came here, this year. It was stupid, he told me to study hard and I usually do, so I defended myself and it got blown out of proportion... I told him I hated him. That was the last thing I ever said to him.'

I could have murmured words of comfort, told him his dad loved him and knew James loved him back. That they were just words, they didn't matter compared to all the years of happy, kind, loving words. But it just doesn't work like that. He didn't need someone to talk over him, tell him how to feel. It was natural to feel guilty; I had blamed myself for my parents' death. I felt like if I hadn't have come to Hogwarts, maybe this wouldn't have happened. So I did the only thing that felt right. Wriggled under his arm and rested my head on his shoulder, letting him pour his heart out. Like I said, I'm not into soppy romance and lovey dovey stuff. But this was... is real. This is life and, sooner or later, this is going to happen. It's amazing, some things that can happen, how the saddest and most heartbreaking thing can bring two people to their senses. And it did, in the middle of Scotland somewhere, surrounded by snow on Christmas day. I made friends with my worst enemy.


	14. At The Merrywands'

**A/N:** I know I haven't posted for a while, I've been a tad busy. And I've been suffering form a bit of writers block, -swoons-. Anyway... -jigs- read on!

* * *

I wanted to stay at Hogwarts for the summer holidays. It was an entire year of new things and I had to get used to the fact that I had to be independent, that I had been thrust into adulthood way too early. Well, I had planned to stay at Hogwarts, until Sammy invited me to stay at her place. 

'It'll be awesome! We can go to Diagon Alley for day trips, meet up with Aoife, Hannah and the boys, oh and my little brother is a pain, he's only ten, comes to Hogwarts next year, my parents are grotty, I mean, honestly, once is enough! They got the best deal with me but noooo, they just had to have a boy!'

I laughed and agreed. The exams were over and people were relaxing in the common room. On the other side, in a group in the corner, James looked up at me and gave a queen-wave. I grinned back and shook my head in amazement. What a dope. He and I had become firm friends in the past few months and I had become lenient over my hatred towards pranks. In turn, he had become slightly (I stress, slightly) more mature. With my friends we could be kids again.

'Sorry, Sam, but can we not discuss your parents' sexual activities?'

'Who's having sex now?' Sirius asked, sidling up alongside Sam and sliding an arm around her waist. Oh, did I mention they were going out? Nope? Well, they were, at that stage. So were Hannah and Remus. They were all secretive about what happened, when, where and how. Despite Aoife's constant barrage of questions, they both remain stubbornly mum.

'Sam's parents.'

'Ok, enough, enough!' Sam cried, planting her hands hard over her ears. 'No more! I'm the offspring, remember? These are MY parents' sex life we're discussing-.'

'Which seems pretty heated.'

'Sirius!'

He ducked as she swung her hand at him and laughed. 'Oh, it's natural, get over it.'

'Imagine yours, or, better yet, your grandparents!'

'Argh! Ok, stop!'

I laughed and James looked up and caught my eye again. He cocked his head and frowned. I just mouthed 'old people sex' at him and he clapped a hand over his eyes.

'New topic!' Sam declared. 'This one is making me feel sick.'

* * *

'Oh, Lily, nice to finally meet you.' Sam's mother, Helen, swept me into a tight hug, and I glanced over her shoulder at Sam, who just shrugged and grinned. I was just astonished that the first time I'd met Helen, she treated me like she'd known me for years. I couldn't help but smile. Helen seemed to have, stupid as it sounds, some sort of blanket of protection she lay over everyone surrounding her. I felt it as soon as she swept me into that huge hug, a momentary feeling of relief and relaxation. My mind unwound despite itself, just a tiny bit. For just a little while, things weren't quite the struggle. 

Sam's parents lavished me with attention and, I have to admit, her little brother adored me. All modesty. Seriously, he'd pull a prank and, thanks to James, I'd know exactly what was going to happen before it did and he was often caught out that I knew which way to turn, what to say, to duck, to twist and to laugh all at the right times and in the right places. When, after too many attempts, he realised I could not be beaten, he decided to join the enemy, rather than fight against my obviously unbeatable superhuman strength (or so he called it). Sam wasn't too pleased with the fact that her brother had fallen head over heels for me, but hey, it got him to leave us alone. If only for the odd short while.

Holidaying with a wizarding family was incredible. Everything was so much different to home. My old home, that is. It was late when we finally arrived at Sam's place and my eyes were closing of their own accord, so I basically stumbled in the direction Sam pointed, fell into my temporary bed and fell asleep straight away. The next morning was an eye-popping experience.

Sitting up in bed, I yawned... and froze mid-yawn, my arms half straightened in a stretch above my head. Across from me against the wall the mirror said cheerily 'Good morning!'

I blinked. I'm sorry, but I'm not used to having furniture well-wish me.

I rolled out of bed, immediately awake, and staggered into the en suite. Where the shower turned itself on, the towel rack growled and created a tug-of-war game with me, giggling when it released the towel and I tumbled to the floor. I frowned and stood up, just in time to see the toothpaste squeeze itself onto my toothbrush. Niamh meowed as she padded in through the door.

'I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...' I muttered. My golden cat sprang onto the counter and gave me a reproachful look. I stuck out my tongue at her and she rolled her eyes.

'Don't look at me like that,' I said, smiling slightly. 'I'm an adult at school, do you mind if I'm a kid for five minutes?'

She mewed sarcastically and leapt to the floor as I pulled a white dress off its hanger, then stalked out of the en suite, tail ramrod straight.

I flounced down the stairs and almost toppled over at the sight of the house I was living in. The dishes were washing themselves, the fireplace was massive, and I mean massive, the radio was playing some music I'd never heard before, with a woman crooning about 'my love potion went so wrong, ooh, how can I ever go back' and Sam's family owl, Eryn, was ruffling his feathers on the banister beside me. I grinned and skipped down the last two steps, landing on the floorboards.

'Alright, I demand you tell me how you do that.' Sam appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, blocking off the sight of the sink. I frowned.

'Do what?'

She pouted and glared at me, feet slightly apart and arms folded in an angry stance. 'You're so light on your feet. I want to be light on my feet! I want to be graceful. You suck.'

'Sam, you're a girl with the mind of a boy.'

She grinned suddenly. 'I know, don't you just love it?'

'Sam!'

Sammy groaned as her red-faced father stomped into the kitchen, using the back door. I smothered a smile as Aaron held up a chicken. With bright purple feathers.

'Care to explain?'

I turned and left them to it, heading out the front door, ready to explore, as Sam's voice faded into the background.

'She kept getting lost...'

The Merrywands live on a five acre property in the south west region of England, near Glastonbury. Hey, I'm from Manchester. I've never been down south, apart from the odd week trip to Plymouth and Brighton, so I have no clue where exactly Sammy's place was. And I didn't really ask. I was too busy soaking it all in. All I knew was that Bristol was that way, London that way, and Scotland all the way up there.

Most of the day I spent out of the house, roaming Sam's property. It was beautiful, green grass and blue skies, incredible contrasts and flowers... birds... Niamh had a great time loping around the property, chasing butterflies, mewing plaintively at birds skipping just ahead of her and looking dolefully up at me when they evaded her, yet again. It was strange, I felt, sometimes, like I should be sad, missing my parents. But I was happy, too. I missed them, yes, but I felt free.


	15. New Beginnings

_Dear Lily_

_Yo, howzit? Sorry, a few weeks in The Leaky Cauldron with Sirius and I'm starting to even write like him. Yes, that's right, write, not talk. Anyway, Sirius keeps ducking in and out of the room, reading over my shoulder and I've barely written three lines. What a dope. Sorry about all the crossing out, but I didn't think you'd approve of the explicit swearing._

_I hope you're enjoying yourself at Sam's but that's not what I was writing for._

_He wants you bad._

_Sorry, Sirius again._

_Hey, Prongs, why don_

_Ok, I'm down in the pub now. I think Sirius is still struggling with those bogies, but I'll go up and help him once I send this off. I promise!_

_Alright, back to the point of this letter. If this wasn't the last piece of parchment I had, I'd have rewritten it. Then again, this is funny, too. Ok, you and Sam are coming to stay the final night at The Leaky Cauldron. No arguments. We already have the rooms booked and if Hannah wasn't in France and Aoife in Scotland, they'd be coming too. Peter and Remus will be here. Anyway, see you then._

_Love,_

_James_

I smiled at the 'love' part. The sun was beating down on the back of my neck but I wasn't so sure that was what was making my face so warm. I grinned, the letter still clutched in my hand, as I lay back on the grass, watching the clouds drift lazily across the bright blue sky. What was I thinking, this was just a letter from James! I couldn't like him like that... could I? No matter that these thoughts were tearing through my mind, I could not wipe this ridiculous smile off my face.

'Ooh, stop it!' I said aloud, smacking my hands over my face. Niamh, loping through the grass near me, paused for a moment in her games to look reproachfully at me. I smiled back at her, looking at her upside down. 'What? I can't help it.'

She batted one paw across my face with an amused meow, as if to say 'you really couldn't look funnier'. I tried to frown at her but instead burst into a peal of laughter.

'What's so funny?'

For one crazy moment I thought Niamh had spoken, but suddenly the sun was blocked out by Sam's shadow. I blinked and grinned up at her. 'Nothing much.'

She put her hands on her hips disapprovingly and frowned. 'Nah, I'm not buying that. You can't be laughing like that and not have a good ah, a letter from Jamsie poo.'

Sam just managed to change so smoothly from one subject to the next, her tone of voice not changing. She bent down and tugged the letter out of my hand, scanned it, whooped when she read the part about us staying at The Leaky Cauldron, then giggled and nudged me with her foot.

'Love, huh? He still loves you, when are you going to bloody date the boy?'

'Don't be ridiculous.'

'Uhuh, ok, whatever, stop worming you way out of this. You lurve him.' She clasped her hands together and made smooching noises.

'Quit it.' I kicked out and my foot collided gently with her shin. She howled with pain then laughed as she jumped up and down on one foot, holding the other with both hands.

'First, Lily, that was uncalled for. Second, I've seen the way you look at him, you think he's hot. Third, we're going. Fourth, you look ridiculous-.'

'Fifth, one more word and you won't have a leg to stand on because I'll break the other one.'

Sammy glared then giggled, dropping her leg. 'So you already decided you were going to go?'

'No, I already decided I didn't have a choice in the matter. Now, come on,' I leapt to my feet, brushing grass and dirt from my clothes, then looked up and smiled brightly at her. 'We should go talk to your parents. After all, we are leaving in two days.'

* * *

'Hey, it's the Trouble Twins!'

'Shut your face, Black,' Sammy scowled, and he doubled over as her elbow accidentally shot out and just happened to collide with Sirius' stomache. Sam smiled serenely as he gasped for air. I grinned and waved impishly at James.

'Ello!'

He grinned, his black hair sticking up in a thousand different directions. Reaching up, I watched him jam his glasses back up against the bridge of his nose, his brown eyes glinting mischievously behind the lenses. 'Well,' he said to me, by way of greeting. 'Once Padfoot gets over his mysterious illness which I have no idea how it came about, we'll get going.'

Sirius sneered as he stood up straight, then reached over and messed Sam's hair, making her laugh so loudly, an elderly witch passing us by jumped and wheeled around. James nudged my arm as we headed down Diagon Alley and I felt my cheeks grow hot as I smiled up at him. What the..?


	16. Final Year

**A/N:** I gave up at the end of this chapter and decided to use my seemingly permanent mental blanks to my advantage. Everyone has mental blanks, why not Lily? Read and review!

* * *

I can't remember a happier few days than the ones we spent in The Leaky Cauldron with James and Sirius. The time at Sam's place had freed me just a little, broken through a brick wall I had once thought could never be breached, just a tiny bit, like someone had drilled a peep hole through it and I had caught a glimpse of the life I was missing. On my side was the dull grey misery, a life without family, life as an orphan. One glance through that hole at the light, the colour, the friends, the happiness and something had smashed that wall down. Now, suddenly, I found myself in a mix of both worlds, with the odd greyness creeping in and reminding me of my parents, but the colour and happiness ruled. I was getting my old self back and damn, it felt good.

The last night we were all huddled together on James bed. I could feel my eyes closing, after all, it was midnight and I'd been up until three the morning before. Of course, with Sirius there it was almost impossible to sleep. It was like the guy was taking hourly drug injections, he was constantly doing something. And if it was time to sleep he'd do a powernap and be up and five in the morning, rushing around and causing chaos. Just one year ago I'd have found that so irritating. Now, the boy had me in stitches. Once or twice I caught him writing in a little book of his, the fact that he was nearing the last few pages told me that he'd been doing this for quite some time. But Sirius Black, writing in a diary? Ha!

My head felt like it was full of cotton stuffing and I tipped over sideways, half curled up, one arm as a pillow for my head, my hair tumbling over the edge of the bed. I glanced up at James and he grinned down at me. Damn, I must have looked little and sweet and innocent... damn.

Time must have skipped forward because I opened my eyes slightly, sleepily, my eyelids heavy. The others had moved and somehow it wasn't a shocked to see Sirius sitting on the floor, leaning back against the bed, his chin resting on the top of Sam's head, her cheek resting against his chest. I think I blinked and shivered, then the blanket tightened around me. Blanket? I was tucked into bed. James was lying beside me, thank heavens on top of the blankets and at that slight shiver he'd woken up just enough to pull the sheet over my shoulder. Then everything went dark and I slipped back into oblivion.

* * *

The badge was weird. I mean, seven years before I was standing there on the platform, right there, staring at that bloody train, thinking I hadn't a hope in the world learning magic and now here I was with a Head Girl badge clinging to my robes. I hadn't told the others and now, staring out of the window as the northern country zoomed past, Sammy, Hannah and Aoife sitting nearby playing Wizard Chess, now I had to be the responsible one. My friends had all responded with the tradition congratulation but I'll tell you one thing... I was not looking forward to telling the Marauders. That was just a big disaster waiting to happen. Or so I thought.

'Yo, ladies!'

'Now, why does that not make sense?' Sam said, cocking her head but not raising her eyes from her pawn, who was belting Hannah's rook. Sirius blinked.

'Huh?'

'You can't use 'yo' and 'ladies', it just doesn't work. Either you're a bad boy or you're a gentleman.'

Sirius just stared incredulously and, thankfully, decided not to reply.

'Hey! Lily's Head Girl!'

Here we go...

'Ooh, maybe the Head Boy and Head Girl will get together in the Astronomy tower for some sweet lovin'...'

Huh?

I looked up and James was staring at his feet. I couldn't believe it! There, sitting proudly on his robes, was the Head Boy badge. The poor guy looked mortified and I almost laughed. Well, all it meant was he couldn't mess around anymore. Then again, was that a good thing? I hadn't quite made up my mind about him and his buddies' antics. Then again...

'Hey, I'm not changing or anything!'

He laughed when I groaned and dropped my head in my hands.

* * *

Well, I don't know what to write anymore. I mean, I know what happens, of course, but how are you supposed to put it all in words? I'd bet a thousand galleons anyone else would find it hard and somewhere along the line would stop, drop their quill, lean back in their chair, push their hair out of their face and think... 'oh, crap, what now?' Or, in my case, something a little worse. My husband actually leant around the doorway, looked and me and laughed, saying 'wow, never heard you swear like that before' as I heaved myself up, belly first, walked over to the sink where my broken quill had landed, and trudged back to my seat. I can feel the baby in my stomache give a little kick, as if to tell me it wants to jump out and play some Quidditch. No doubt our bubby will love the sport. Oh! That's what I need to write about! The most spectacular Quidditch match I've ever seen.


	17. Quidditch

I keep pausing in writing every now and then to get up and walk around. I tell you, carrying a baby in your stomache really kills your back, but sitting down for ages is worse. My bubby keeps giving little kicks of protest. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, yet, and I really don't want to. Oh, anyway, the best Quidditch game I'd ever seen! It was one of the first in seventh year. James was Head Boy and Quidditch Captain, so it definitely shows how many people thought he was the greatest thing to ever grace Hogwarts. I, on the other hand, knew he wasn't although, despite myself, I was coming to like him. A lot. So often I'd find myself mentally slapping my head and thinking 'stop it, it's James, think back to when he was a brat!'

Because he had definitely grown up.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first game of Quidditch, a game of skill and determination between Slytherin and Gryffindor, a fight off on who's better, although we already know that Gryffindor has at least a hint of honour-.'

'Hart!'

'Sorry, Professor, but you have to admit, the Slytherins are nothing more than a bunch of s-.'

'HART!'

'And they're off!' Susan Hart bellowed as Professor McGonagall shook her head in despair, with a wink at her boyfriend, Trevor Jordan, who was laughing a few seats away from me, clad in gold and crimson. 'Gryffindor in possession, Potter, Finch, Walsh, back to Finch, whoa, nice swerve from Potter there as a Slytherin bludger narrowly misses his… ahem, anyway, Potter back in possession, heading for the goals… SCORE! Ten to nothing, zip, zilch, ha, Slytherin sucks!'

'Hart, one more bias comment…'

'Look, Professor, it's a fact of life, they didn't save, therefore they suck, Slytherin in possession, now…'

I winced as James ducked around yet another bludger and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Slytherin beaters motion to each other. This couldn't be good, Slytherins' communicating is never a good sign.

'Whoa, what's going on here? Is that legal?' Susan was on her feet as the two Slytherin beaters, Crabbe and Paulos began to widely circle James and continuously belt bludgers just at him as he clutched the quaffle. He ducked and dived, missing every one. I gasped as he darted upwards and threw the quaffle over the head of Crabbe and Finch caught it, then zoomed back up the pitch towards the Slytherin goals. With a roar of outrage I heard clearly so many feet below, Paulos sent one last bludger at James. And hit him squarely in the back.

Sirius, Peter, Remus, Hannah, Sam, Aoife and I all leapt to our feet in horror as James flew forwards off his broom. I heard Aoife scream but my eyes stayed locked open as James' flailing hand gripped the brush of his broom. He hung there for a moment and I felt like I was going to faint. Then another bludger skimmed past his feet. Sirius blurted out a string of obscenities, some of which I'd never heard before. Susan was beside herself, the microphone in her hand as she skipped as far away from McGonagall as possible.

'LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU SON OF A B-.'

The Professor didn't even look at Susan, she was too busy shaking her fist at Crabbe, her glasses almost slipping off the end of her nose. My nails were digging into my palms as Slytherin scored again and again, the Gryffindor keeper, Stine, nursing a bleeding hand as she did her utmost to stop the quaffle.

I could see the trails of sweat down James' face as he began to lift on hand over the other until he was gripping the handle in the middle. His legs kicked out, back, out, back and he swung. Not high enough. His body jerked back down and his hands slipped again. Now both of my hands were clamped over my mouth. One more gigantic effort, one more huge swing. His leg hooked up on the handle and he hauled himself up, resting for just a moment, head down, and then he lowered his body down along the length of the broom and shot forwards. The Gryffindor crowd went nuts. I have never before witnessed something like that, such an eruption of noise. It took me a moment to realize it wasn't just the red and gold crowd that was cheering, but Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw too. So long as Slytherin lost.

James weaved between the players and his head snapped up for one moment. I followed his gaze and saw both Seekers, Fretich and Lance, pelting along the length of the pitch, both laying flat along their broom.

'They've seen the snitch!' Susan shrieked as James, once again, caught the quaffle and shot it through a hoop. Fifty to twenty, Slytherin in front. Lance had to catch this snitch or we were dead. I must have been the only person in the crowd not watching the seekers duck into a thirty foot dive, my eyes locked on James as a bludger flew under his arm and he laughed, shooting and scoring again.

'Lance has caught the snitch! GRYFFINDOR WIN!'

If I had thought the crowd went crazy before, when James had swung back onto his broom, it was nothing, nothing compared to now.

I stood and watched as Sirius and Remus vaulted the barrier, racing out onto the pitch, ready to cheer and clap James on the back, Peter jumping up and down, face bright with excitement. It seemed to me, more and more, that Peter fed off the others. Kissed ass. Aoife and Hannah were hinging each other and Sammy had her hands cupped around her mouth, whooping with delight.

I, on the other hand, stood stock still, face still pale, even I knew that, and my hands were clutched together shaking, despite the fact that I was willing myself to be calm. Later, in the common room, I sat quietly, letting the loud conversation, jokes and celebration wash over me. Thoughts were racing through my mind and the picture of James, hanging so high in the air, his life clinging by a thread, by his hand gripping the broom so tightly, and the fact that I'd figured out, so bloody suddenly, that he had, after all, changed and I was the one who was the childish, stupid, idiotic one who hadn't realized what was staring me right in the face.

'A life without love is no life at all…'

My mother used to say that. When I was little. Sometimes she'd say it and beam at my father and he'd blush like a boy and look down at his hands, a silly grin on his face. I often wondered if they'd ever grown up. I'd had a shot at the big time and I hadn't seen it. God, I'd been an idiot!

Never one for romance, I must've said that somewhere in here… yes, I did, I just flicked back through the pages. Never one for romance, but I hadn't planned on this. You don't crave romance, it just is or it isn't. In this case, my romance was the horrible feeling that I'd missed my chance and the best thing that might have happened to me was now unattainable. I'd been a fool, stubborn, a brat and way too sure of myself. And now, because of my pride, I'd lost James, if I'd ever had him.

He was standing across the room, drinking butterbeer with the other Marauders. I saw him glance over the top of his drink and a slight frown appear between his eyes. I didn't see his jaw drop open in surprise and disappointment. I had already turned and marched up the stairs before my stupid feelings got the better of me.


	18. Exams

My hand is aching. Ha, you should see it, it's covered in ink! And I was just a complete loser and rubbed my forehead, exhausted, and now there's a smear of black ink across my head. I look like a two year old. My baby seems to think so, too; he just gave me a tiny kick. He's getting big, but I have a neat little tummy which I pat affectionately every now and then. Gotta love it. I get tired easily, although I can't help but love being pregnant.

I want to finish this before my baby is born. So, in other words, I want to finish this before the end of this week. I'm scared of the pain but I can't wait to see what my child will look like. Our child. Wow. I mean, wow. I doubt any of you who have not, as yet, been pregnant (and if you're under twenty, I sincerely hope you haven't) understand the feeling… the amazement of creating a baby.

Anyway, back to my story.

* * *

I avoided James for about three days after the Quidditch game. He sent me strange looks, but never said a word. After three days I decided I couldn't hide anymore and started to talk to him again, struggling to keep the old naïve friendship, chumminess that we'd always had. I had resolved to concentrate on finishing school, but it seemed my heart was getting the better of me.

Yes, I know you're all groaning and complaining… 'oh, mushy stuff! Yuk!' I know because I'm thinking the same thing. Looking back at my seventh year I tend to drop my head in my hands and go 'what… an… idiot…'

Tests, assignments, essays, lectures, career advice, study advice, teachers' advice, ink, quills, parchment, wands… I was losing my mind. The only chance I got to get away from it all was my solitary walks across the grounds, stopping to chat merrily with Hagrid every now and then. Anything to get away from the stuffiness of that castle. It's incredible how something so huge and spacious can shrink when all you want is to be somewhere else. If I even did. It was one of those can't-stand-to-be-here-but-can't-stand-to-leave things. Way to go, messing with the head, James!

Wow, I don't know what to write now. I don't honestly know whether to skip to the exams and the interesting parts or rabble on, telling one of those stories that seem to go nowhere. But I'm not old yet and heaven forbid I ever turn out that way. So, exactly one year after the altercation between Severus Snape and the Marauders, I found myself, yet again, in the middle of a sea of students, scribbling away with quill and ink, writing everything I could remember about Switching Spells. The writing was tiny and covered already two feet of parchment, after half an hour, and I set down my ink, watching my hand as I flexed it. It was covered with splodges of ink and the ink had run into my cuticles, showing a black outline where skin became nail.

I glanced up and across. Two seats to my left, James had his head bent, hand flying as he wrote feverishly, messy hair sticking up at the back. I couldn't help it, I smiled slightly. He had changed, that was a given, but I missed our old deep and meaningfuls', the huge conversations we used to have about nothing. I didn't look away in time as he paused in his writing and his head shot up, swiveling around, eyes locking on me as if he'd known I was watching him. We stared at each other for a second and I felt my jaw drop as the look on his face changed from deep thought to confusion and hurt. I think we were both stunned at the look on the others' face, so we didn't look away immediately. Eventually I remembered 'hey, I'm in an exam, maybe I should get back to work…' and turned back, picking up my quill, poised to write. But, dammit, I couldn't think. Stupid James, messing up my thoughts halfway through an exam. How dare he look that good?!

'So, how'd you go?' Aoife nudged me in the shoulder and grinned, impish little face lit with suppressed energy. She was slightly taller than me, now, but still the voluptuous, bubbly, rosy cheeked girl I met year before on my first day at Hogwarts. Hannah was now normal size, thank god, so I could look at her without straining my neck. Sammy was as tall as Hannah, loud and rude and bloody good looking. She had Sirius on his knees, it was hilarious.

I groaned softly and rolled my eyes. 'Horrible! I was fine about halfway through then my brain turned to mush.'

'Mush? Where?' Sirius grinned as he jogged up to us, flinging his arm naturally around Sam's waist. James appeared behind him, his brown eyes searching as he looked at me. I'm willing to bet five thousand galleons he was thinking about what had happened in the exam. Not that he'd ever admit it.

'In my head.' I looked away from James and back to Sirius, giving him a wan smile.

'Oh, well that's understandable.'

I zoned out after that. I know we walked slowly down to the lake. I know we sat and chatted for hours. But nothing registered. I'd lost my sister, my parents. My home. And without realizing it, I'd lost James…

Lord, save me. I just reread what I wrote and now I'm in tears laughing about it. What a load of bullshit! Aww, wah wah, heaven forbid, he doesn't want me! Teenage dramas. Well, that's pretty much up to date, skipping the last part. I'll give a quick summary and… no, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have to tell you what happened!


	19. Finally

'Lily! Wait, please!'

* * *

Two days later. We had been sitting by the lake, again, relaxing after our Potions Examination, unwinding in our old routine. Sirius had started a conversation about couples and just generally taking the piss.

'Well, here we have Peter, who's going to marry… that girl in third year, what's her name? Rita! Ha!'

The group erupted in laughter and Peter blushed a deep crimson, burying his head in his arms. I smiled. I'd seen him looking at Rita Skeeter, they were both as weird as each other.

'Now…' Sirius continued with a flourish. 'Who next? Hannah, hmm… meh, you can marry Remus… eww, get a room!' he shrieked, as Remus grabbed Hannah around the back of her neck and pulled her into a passionate kiss. Sam groaned and Aoife giggled, her hand pressed over her mouth, cheeks bright and eyes glittering. I sat and smiled some more, waiting for my turn. Which just happened to be next.

Sirius just shrugged and grinned evilly at me. 'Lily will end up lonely and alone, with no one to love her.'

It was a joke. Just a dumb joke. But, damn, that hurt and the look on my face must've been a shock to Sirius because the grin vanished from his face. Lonely and alone. I suppose it hurt so much because someone had finally muttered what I'd been thinking for months. I felt sick as I jumped to my feet and scooped up my bag, memories and images of my family flashing before my eyes. James' mouth was open in surprise as I wheeled around and marched away, tears so close.

I think I'd turned into a real drama queen, for that last year. Well, hormones, duh! It wasn't until I was about three feet from the castle entrance that I heard running feet behind me.

'Lily! Wait, please!'

I whipped around, my misery making me furious.

'What? What do you want from me now, James, because I've had enough!'

'What are you talking about?' He shook his head, frowning in confusion. 'I haven't done anything.'

'Exactly! You chase me for years and when I finally figure it out, you run off!' His eyes had opened wide in shock, but I didn't stop, I was on one hell of a roll. 'It's so typical, me losing everything in just two years, I could have had you, I could have been slightly more happy, but I lost my family and you too and I can't believe I was so dumb and now…'

It hit me. I'd just blurted it all out, argh! No! I brought my hands to my face, shaking my head.

'Now I've just told you… oh, god…'

I backed away up the steps and turned to run but he caught my hand, spinning me back around to face him. He didn't say a word, not one little thing. Just grabbed my hand, pulled me down, wound the fingers of his free hand into my hair and kissed me.

You know how people talk about their knees going weak and all that bullshit? Yeah, well, it's true. It's like the whole world just stops for a brief moment and you're THERE with HIM and… well, yeah. I could tell straight away that all his girlfriends had done a good job because the boy was one hell of a kisser.

'Lily?'

'Yeah?'

'You're so bloody slow.'

'I know.' I buried my face in his shoulder and hung on.

Ok, so that's about it. That last bit took me two days to write and now… well, my baby is due tomorrow, but something tells me it's going to be really soon. No idea why, I just have this crazy feeling. James keeps poking his head into the room and checking up on me, giving me a once over and disappearing again. I love him so much and my baby, belting away at me from the inside. It's like it's telling me it wants to get out, now, right now. It's so sweet, James thinks I can't see him, I have my back to the doorway and I can see his reflection in the glass of the window opposite me. He looks so worried and sweet and happy, all at the same time.

* * *

I knew it! I just took a little break from writing to get myself a drink and I got a sharp pain and my waters broke. James is now dashing around, nervously, asking me to hurry up, but I have hours upon hours left of this, five minutes to finish off won't take long. If my baby is a girl, I'll call her Sammy, after all, Sam died a spectacular death last year against Voldemort. If it's a boy, I'll call him Harry. For no real reason, I just love that name. Which suits, because I love my baby already and when I see it I'll cuddle it and take care of it and watch it grow up into a lovely young lady or a handsome young man, like James. I hope I make a good mother. I hope, I hope, I hope… 


	20. The Diary

'I found it a few days ago. I don't know why or how, it was buried under the ruins. I don't know why it was buried under the house, maybe she just wanted to keep it safe or something. Maybe she knew what was going to happen…'

Remus Lupin's voice trailed off as his eyes settled on the seventeen year old, black messy haired boy, sitting at the table, the black, leather bound book lying open in front of him. His back was ramrod straight as he stared down at the neat writing, curling across the page.

'Harry?'

Harry turned his head slowly to look up at Remus, who shrugged slightly, suddenly embarrassed and uncomfortable. The boy shook his head slightly in amazement.

'This is my Mum, she wrote this. Good sense of humour, huh?'

Remus grinned. 'I can still remember, clear as day, that Quidditch game. You should have seen the look on her face when James almost fell off, I thought she was going to be sick. And that day she gave birth to you, what James said. It never registered until I read that last page… oh, what did he say..?' Remus thought aloud. 'That's it. "That damn book she was writing in, she wanted to finish it, more than get to hospital to have the baby!" Your father loved Lily so much. Then again, we all did, she was one of those people you couldn't help but want to protect. She looked so small and vulnerable, but once you got to know her you leant she had that fiery streak. Never mess with Lily Evans if you still want to live the rest of your life with all your limbs.'

A faint ghost of a smile touched Harry's face as he turned back to read the last words again. 'I hope.' After she'd lost so much, she still had so much hope left. He shook his head in bewilderment.

'She seemed so wonderful, such a cool parent to have. I wish I'd…'

'I know.'

Harry sat in silence again for a few minutes then looked up at Remus, who was now leaning over him and scrutinizing the final page. 'Why was she so… I mean, why didn't she use any detail? I mean, much detail. I mean, why'd she skip so much?'

'Hmm, not sure,' Remus murmured, biting his lip thoughtfully and clearly ignoring Harry's stuttering. 'Could be because you were so close to being born, but I think she was just being her. Lily wasn't one for huge patience in herself and, even though she spent heaps of time and detail in her essays and exams, she was fairly blunt in the real world. In a kind way. Harry, your mother was one of the kindest, sweetest women I've ever known.'

'Then how'd she get Dad so angry?'

'James spent so much effort on your Mum and she shot him down again and again. I guess he lost his temper after a few years. But he was just as loyal and kind as her.'

Harry made a noncommittal noise and slowly shut the book, staring at the cover. 'What happened to the others?'

He glanced up just in time to catch the look of pain which flitted across Remus' face. 'Hannah died not long after you were born. She had moved to Scotland after school and after we… we broke up because of my… anyway, Sam was attacked by Death Eaters the year before you were born. Devastated Sirius, he never even mentioned her again. Aoife, as far as I know, is still in France, raising three children. She married some Beauxbatons guy and disappeared. I haven't heard from her for about ten years.'

'Ah.'

Remus flipped the book open again with one finger and grinned as he read the first words on the page.

'Sam really did look sweet and angelic back then. She had everyone fooled, you have no idea. Then again, Ginny Weasley could give her a run for her money. She had that smile… it seemed like she'd be happy to give hugs and was into puppies and kittens but that was more Aoife's style. Aoife loved to giggle and muck around. She wasn't very little back then, but she's so thin now. I think it was all the reproducing she did.'

Harry grinned suddenly at the rare joke from Remus. 'What about Hannah?'

'Hannah was beautiful.'

'Really?'

'She was so tall in our first year, but she stopped growing early and by our final year I was a good head taller than her. She loved books and the like. Into fairy tales and myths and legends. She didn't talk much but when she did you knew that there was one hell of a brain in there. Such a soft voice.'

The look on his face had softened. Harry blinked then looked down at the leather bound book, closing it slowly then standing and picking it up. He turned and smiled at Remus.

'Thank you.'

'Hey, anytime, Harry.'

Remus stood and grinned down at Harry for a moment, then turned and left him alone in the kitchen. Harry smiled slightly and flicked through the pages one last time. That was when he saw it. The last page, the writing was different. Messier, scrawling across the page. It looked a lot like his own.

'Dear Harry

Well, I just watched you being born. Honestly, it wasn't very pretty but it was incredible, all the same. Hey, I have a son! I hope I can bring you up well, be a good Dad. Lily is a natural, she's asleep in front of me right now, holding you in her arms. So, things you need to know? I love you already, and your mother. That's all really. Oh, and you have one heck of a god father. He'll teach you how to be a rebel, that is if I don't do it first (and I intend to).

Keep this book safe. I know your mother doted over it for ages, I mean, you should have seen her writing, hair tied back, hand on her belly... ok, never mind.

Take care, son

Dad'


End file.
